First, buy an 8-kg (18-pound) sack of dried chickpeas. Fill your biggest pot halfway with them, then fill the pot to the top with water. Simmer until the chickpeas swell up and fill the pot. Drain the water out, refill with water, and simmer again.
Other ingredients are: Dried or fresh parsley; Tahini or sesame seed oil; Olive oil; Celery; Garlic. Most hummus recipes intended for use as dip do not include the celery or onion.
|Chop the vegetables
Cut the onion, celery, and garlic into very small pieces. A food processor or blender would help, if you have one. Use more garlic than you think wise - the chickpeas will absorb more than you're used to with other dishes, and an otherwise extreme amount of garlic will be moderated down to a nice bit of flavour.
|Mix the oils
Put in about four tablespoons of olive oil, four tablespoons of tahini (sesame seed oil), and a generous amount of your favourite hot sauce. Ginger-based hot sauces seem to go especially well with the chickpeas. Adjust the proportions to taste - the olive oil gives it a salad-leafy taste suited for spring and summer, and the sesame oil gives it a nutty, meaty flavour better for autumn and winter. Add four tablespoons of dried parsley, or one bunch of chopped fresh parsley. Top off with the juice of four limes, or an equivalent amount of concentrate. Lime juice gives it a different tang from the usual lemon-based store-bought hummus.
|Put the ingredients into freezer bags
Fill a freezer bag with the cooked chickpeas and the other ingredients, and shake the bag until the oils and chopped vegetables coat the chickpeas. Squish out the air, and seal the bag.
|Place the freezer bags in a towel
Fold the freezer bags full of ingredients into a towel, and place the towel on your bed, futon, or other flat surface used for sexual activity.
|Crush the chickpeas and other ingredients together
Find one or more friendly people in the Personals section of Craiglist, and get busy. Ensure that you mostly stay on the flat surface mentioned in the previous step. Repeat until all the chickpeas are crushed flat, and are thoroughly mixed together with the other ingredients
|Remove, serve, and eat
The hummus is now ready. Remove it from the freezer bags, place into appropriate serving bowls, and enjoy.