Experiencing Technical Difficulties (resonant) wrote,
Experiencing Technical Difficulties

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An Ending

TL;DR; I am alone

Video - Brian Eno's "An Ending (Ascent)"

Last week at work, Mike announced that he's coming back to my team, after several years with another department. I was very glad to hear that, as he's a good guy. He asked me how I've been; I told him that I was in love, and have been happier than I've been in far too many years.

Saturday, I biked the 18 kilometers to Sandy's place.The weekend before, I'd brought my grandmother's slow cooker, and we'd made a huge batch of beans to store in his freezer in glass dishes that I'd brought. Cheaper, healthier, and tastier than canned beans! I had bought some dried chickpeas, garlic, tahini, and lime juice, and had planned on bringing it to Sandy's place this weekend so we could make him a huge batch of hummus. But, Sandy had e-mailed, "I don't want to make hummus today. Just come when you are ready. ". No "xoxoxo" as he normally put on his e-mails.

On the way, I thought about a question I'd e-mailed to Sandy. My grandmother really wants to meet him, and had invited us to stay in her house in Nova Scotia for a visit. We could go through the house together, and select any things that we'd like to bring back with us. I had forwarded her e-mail to him, but hadn't received a reply.

I arrived about 90 minutes after I started. Google Maps says it should take 82 minutes. I waved happily through the window to Sandy as I locked up my bike. As I came in the door, I gave Sandy a box of apple-cinnamon tea that I had tried, and said that although the taste wasn't great, it smelled wonderful, and might be good for aromatherapy with his clients. I then went to give him a big hug and kiss, but strangely I missed and only got his cheek. He then told me that there was a clean towel on the rack, so I could shower.

After showering, I dressed in the black shirt that Sandy likes, and went out to give him a hug. Instead, Sandy sat me down in his armchair, sat in a desk chair next to me, and put his hand on my knee. "ResonantResonant, we need to talk".

I waited for the joke. He often pretends to be all serious, and then says something silly with a completely straight face. He'd be awesome playing poker.

"This isn't going to work".

Sandy gently explained that I am always too anxious and excited. At the end of a weekend, he's completely drained from having been around me. Our energy levels just don't match. And after close to a year of talking with each other, he still doesn't know all that I am thinking, or what's going on in my mind.

I said that I've surprised myself with how open I am with him, saying everything in my head and talking more with him than anyone else. I also pointed out that he's possibly overestimating what's going on in my brain, and that while he thinks there might be complex thoughts going on inside, I'm just going, "mmmm. potatoes".

[link to comic where one character wonders what is going on inside another's head ... nothing but potatoes]

Nonetheless, I'm just not the person he needs.

He had all my things neatly lined up for me to take. Even when my bike panniers were fully expanded to more than 20 litres, I still couldn't fit it all in. I was disturbed to see that he had given me back the glass containers that we'd used just the past weekend to freeze baked beans for future consumption. Either he'd thrown out perfectly good food, or he'd eaten so many beans that he was going to hurt himself. Sandy said he'd leave everything else outside, but if it rained he'd put the books inside his barbecue grill to keep them dry.


I thanked Sandy for being honest with me, and for stopping things cleanly instead of dragging it out. I told him that he had been a very positive influence on me, and that my friends, family, and co-workers had all commented on the changes they'd observed thanks to him. I said that I was in a much better place thanks to him, and felt that he had made me a better person.

Sandy cooked me some frozen spinach pizza and made me some ginger-peppermint tea, and we ate as we talked. I started to become teary towards the end, and excused myself to go to the bathroom twice to blow my nose. Plus I peed, because of the tea. I wondered if I should invite Sandy in - he wouldn't have the opportunity to hold me while peeing again, or have the cis-male experience of writing your name in the snow while doing so. It was then that it really sank in.

Three hours after arriving, I pedaled back home in the dark. It was difficult to see, for more reasons than light levels. Sandy had suggested that I take the bus and subway home, but it was good for me to exercise and have the burn of muscles distract me. Despite being heavily loaded with things, and despite it being uphill most of the way, I made it back in less than an hour.

Sunday morning, I took a backpack and a reusable grocery sack, and took the subway and bus to his place to collect the rest of my belongings from his doorstep. I brought them with me to my volunteer tutoring session. It was good to be teaching, as it kept me from thinking. Afterwards, I didn't feel like being alone, so I ate at a restaurant and lingered far too long after paying the bill before I came home.

That's the problem with falling in love with someone who is incredible. They deserve someone as terrific as they are, and need someone that is at their level of goodness.
Tags: sandy
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